Stranger Things Have Happened
by orionzbelt
Summary: They were barely friends, so what made Edward and Bella think they could pull off pretending to be a couple? Throw an oblivious ex-wife, a pregnant sister-in-law and some mischievous friends into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster...or is it? ALL HUMA
1. The Lie

Author's Note: I had this idea rolling around in my head for a little bit. I wrote some of this a few years ago, re-read it, and decided to resurrect it with some much needed changes. Hopefully you guys like this! It's different than my other story (Changes) in that it's probably a bit fluffier, and faster-paced. It'll definitely be shorter as well. I haven't forgotten Changes, though..that'll be updated soon! This is just for kicks.

So, without much ado, here's my new story! Please read and review!

PS- Twilight isn't mine. But this story is.

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"Strawberry pancakes and coffee. Wait! Make that _two_ cups of coffee," I slid onto a stool and put my head on the cold metal counter. I glanced up at the owner who was hidden behind his newspaper. "Oh, and can you be a dear and throw in a cyanide capsule for me?"

Edward lowered the newspaper and swiftly took out a pad and pencil. "Should I mix it into the pancake batter or would you prefer to toss it back like a lady?" he asked while making little scribbles and checks on the paper.

"I'll have it on the side," I looked up at Edward's 'tsk' sound. "What?"

"I'm afraid we're running a little low on the cyanide today. How about extra whipped cream?" he said, still looking at his pad.

"What kind of dump is this? No cyanide?" I picked up a straw and started peeling the wrapper off it.

Edward finally looked up at me and tapped his pad impatiently. "Yes, well, we have a policy of not killing our customers on the first day."

"This is hardly the first time I've been here, Edward," I reminded him by blowing my straw wrapper at him.

Edward rolled his green eyes and swatted the paper away. "Don't remind me."

"Remind me not to tip you," I grumbled, pushing the straw away from me.

"You never do," Edward crossed his arms.

"And I'm not about to start now," I sat up straight and crossed my arms. The woman sitting next to me sighed and changed seats in a very conspicuous manner. I rolled my eyes at her.

One would think that the patrons of Edward's diner would be used to this exchange by now, as I came in at least twice a day. I quickly did the math in my head. Twice a day for five years is…three hundred and sixty-five times two times five…that's…well, that's a lot of front row seats to the constant verbal battles between the two of us.

"Can you at least try not to scare the locals?" Edward griped as he started a new pot of coffee for me. He knew by now that if I didn't have my coffee a certain way, I'd bitch and moan until he was forced to make a new pot to get me to shut up. He once said that I liked my coffee dark and bitter…like my soul. He thought he was pretty clever, until I told him that I actually liked it black and strong…like my men.

That shut him up.

"You're a local. Am I scaring you?" I argued.

Edward clunked a coffee cup in front of me. "No, but your face is killing me," He joked and poked my forehead.

I made a snorting sound and laid my head back on the counter, trying not to let him see how that little playful jab wounded me.

I'd met Edward five years ago when I moved to town to live near my brother Emmett. Emmett and I had always been really close, and when he had told me about an antiques shop that was for sale, I had jumped at the chance to buy it. I would be able to combine my love for antiques, literature and history with living near my older brother. The very first day I moved here, Emmett had taken me around and had introduced me to everyone who lived in our little town.

And when I say little, I mean little. We're talking about a one mile square town.

That's right. One mile by one mile.

We had walked around the entire day, and I guess he had been saving the best (and worst) for last, because the diner was our final stop on my welcome tour.

My first impression of Edward Cullen?

What a _god_.

I remember everything about that first meeting. He had been at the grill flipping burgers ridiculously high when we had walked in. His lean, muscular body had swiveled around at the sound of the bells above the door and his bronze hair had fallen into his eyes. Emmett had propelled me forward and had introduced me to Edward. To this day, I'm still not sure what I said, because my mind had been completely preoccupied with absorbing every single detail of his beautiful face – from his high cheekbones to his strong jaw. I did manage to remember, though, that his green t-shirt had matched the color of his eyes, and that he had wiped his right hand off on his apron before taking my trembling hand in his.

For two weeks I had walked quickly by the diner, too shy to greet the beautiful man again. Every time I had walked by, though, I had taken peeks through the window. Just little peeks. Nothing that screamed out 'stalker', hopefully, though I did walk around the long way sometimes to pass by his diner.

Maybe I _was_ a little stalkerish.

My little twenty-two year old mind was convinced, though, that it had fallen in love with him. Okay, maybe not 'love' love, but it was certainly getting to that point. Whenever I saw him around town, my heart beat a funky little rhythm. Just the sight of him opening up shop made me giddy. Finally, one day Emmett and I had gone to the diner with his girlfriend Rosalie for dinner. I remember sitting there with my legs jiggling from anxiety, while Rose kept shooting me curious glances. I was planning in my head everything I was going to say. I was going to be witty, charming, funny…and likeable. Oh-so-very likeable. Finally, Edward came by to take our order. I had been blushing furiously, and when I opened my mouth to order…I saw it.

A wedding band.

What a sign that the gods hated me! Lusting after a married man! My heart cracked and I felt the blood draining from my cheeks, leaving me looking like a ghost.

Edward had followed my eyes to his left hand and had shifted it slightly to get it out my line of sight. His eyes had met mine in an annoyed look and he started to say something. That's when my sense of self-preservation had kicked in. The rest was a blur. I vaguely remember muttering something snarky to cover up my flustered expression and hearing Edward shoot something right back at me. We argued back and forth for a bit before he stalked off to the grill and I sulked in my seat, earning a bewildered expression from Emmett and a knowing one from Rose.

From that day on, I swore off thinking of Edward in _that_ way. It didn't matter later when Emmett told me that Edward was recently divorced and hadn't yet gotten used to not wearing his wedding band. It didn't matter when I started seeing more of him because he and Emmett hung out a lot after work. None of that really mattered, because in that one moment when his eyes had met mine, I had seen enough. That annoyed expression on his face when he realized I was interested in him had been enough to cool all my thoughts of him. I learned to hide my emotions from him and mask them in insults and taunts. I settled with being semi-friends with Edward. He was someone to argue back and forth with, someone to poke fun at when we had Friday movie nights at Emmett's place.

Nothing less, nothing more.

Still, it always irritated me when one of his comments hit a little too close to home. A little too "Bella, why would I ever be into you, when I can find another demi-god like myself?" Like I needed any more reminders.

Annoyed, I snapped. "So how about the pancakes? I'm trying the Betty Crocker method of killing a bad day and you're not really helping," I rubbed at a spot on the counter.

"Carb overdose?" Edward ignored my tone and turned to grab the coffee pot.

"Yup. It's the quickest, least painful way to go," I said flippantly, trying to forget about my little mood swing.

"It's only 10 am," Edward said, pouring some coffee into my cup.

I stared at the dark liquid greedily. "Yeah. Check with me at 11 am and you'll see how much worse it can get," I grabbed the cup and blew on it before taking a large gulp. Instantly, I felt the hot coffee burning my tongue.

Edward scoffed and pried the cup away from my fingers. "How about you don't burn yourself? I have enough of my own problems to deal with today. I'd rather not have to take you to the hospital."

I blew out slowly and rolled my tongue around my mouth, trying to get feeling back into it. I glared at him and gestured for him to give me back my cup. He looked at me warily and then held the cup out to me. "Right. The life and times of a short order cook. Quite the tragedy, last I heard," I snatched my cup back from him and cradled it close.

"Bella, the way you stab my heart," Edward dramatically shook his head while putting a hand to his chest.

"I didn't know you had one," I quipped, tapping my nails impatiently. Where were my freaking pancakes?

"Actually, if you must know…" Edward's tone turned serious.

I groaned internally. Serious was bad. We didn't do serious. This whole quasi-friendship was built around never being serious. Being serious meant being open with each other and letting down guards. That, in turn, meant being open to getting hurt. Thanks, but no thanks.

"I don't want to know," I cut in quickly.

"…I heard that Tanya's back in town."

"Tanya," I raised my eyebrows. Edward nodded gravely. "Tanya," I repeated, racking my brain. Who was Tanya again? "Yeah…good ol' Tanya…" I said slowly, sounding the name out. Why did that sound familiar?

"My ex-wife," Edward prodded, with an annoyed look on his face.

"Of course," I smiled as I took a more cautious sip of my coffee and then looked behind him to the griddle. "Pancakes?"

"See, the thing is," Edward leaned on the counter as I tried to hide my sigh. His eyes got a faraway look to them as his forehead creased into a frown. "It's been about six years since we've seen each other. The last thing that she ever said to me was that she didn't want to spend her life living above the diner…"

"Well, who can blame her? With the noise from the traffic and the smell from the grills, it's hardly any girl's dream castle," I muttered, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden rush of new information coming from Edward. This was the most I'd ever heard him talk about his marriage. Frankly, I hated it.

"Hey, if you're going to be like this, I don't think I want to talk to you about it," Edward said, backing off with his hands raised.

"Well, that's great. How about my pancakes..." I waved him towards the grill with my hands.

He shot me a look and picked up the bowl of batter. "But how come she's coming to visit now? I heard she got a job at some big firm in Seattle. Maybe she's coming to gloat," Edward sighed, lazily stirring the pancake batter.

"Well…you've got…the diner," I said weakly, taking another gulp of my coffee. There was a sizzle as Edward poured the batter onto the griddle.

"You know, I get the distinct feeling that you're mocking this place," Edward said, waving the spatula at me. The usual glimmer was back in his eye.

"Oh, never," I drawled. I pointed behind him. "Don't forget the extra whipped cream."

"Oh, never," Edward repeated mockingly. "I'd never forget…" The door opened with a tinkle. "Tanya." Edward's voice dropped to a hush as he stared at the door.

I turned around to look. A tall, leggy blond carrying a Prada bag as if it were a lifeline stood there, looking lost. Clutching her purse, she looked towards the counter and smiled slowly. I turned to look at Edward again. His face was contorted in what he probably thought was a smile. However, to me, it looked more like a grimace of physical pain brought about by embarrassment. Kinda like a teenage boy tripping over his own feet in front of the girl of his dreams. I turned back to look at Tanya again.

Damn.

She was gorgeous, plain and simple. She was everything I wasn't – tall, buxomly with long curling blond hair that seemed to flow out from her like she was in her own shampoo commercial.

Maybe it was a good thing these two got divorced, because I don't think the world would be ready for their ridiculously good looking spawn.

Tanya walked forward and sat down a seat away from me. However, not before carefully wiping it with a napkin, I noted.

"Hello, Eddie." Tanya's voice was soft yet urgent.

"Hi, Tanya," Edward stood there awkwardly holding the spatula. I snickered at the nickname and tried to cover it up by taking a sip of coffee. I sniffed the air. Chanel with a twist of…smoke. I looked behind him to see my precious pancakes burning.

"Uh…Edward," I said, pointing behind him. He stood there looking at his ex-wife, who sat with her hands crossed primly in her lap. "Edward?" I stood up, and walked around the counter and snatched the spatula from him. He snapped out of his trance.

"Ohh…" he turned around and saw the smoke coming from the griddle.

"Don't worry, I've got it all under control. Why don't you just go back to chatting and I'll man the grill for you," I said sarcastically as I tossed the pancakes into the garbage can.

"Oh, thanks, Bella," Edward grinned as he went around the counter to sit next to Tanya.

I resisted the urge to chuck Tanya into the garbage as well. "No problem," I muttered as I poured myself another cup of coffee and tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible in the narrow space between the counter and the grill.

"So…how are you?" Edward said softly, looking at Tanya. She stared at the counter.

"I'm fine," She paused for a second and glanced at him. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Edward nodded slowly. I rolled my eyes from my place by the grill. She's fine. He's fine. I'm fine. So what? Edward took a deep breath. "So what brings you to town?"

"I…" Tanya looked up and noticed me lingering in front of them. Edward turned and looked at me too. I narrowed my eyes at him and grabbed the bowl of pancake mix. I beat it pretending it was Edward's face. I grumbled to myself as I poured the batter while surreptitiously sneaking a look over my shoulder at the duo. "There's really no good way of saying this, Edward, so I'll just come out and say it," Tanya paused. She pulled her left hand up from her lap and brought it to his nose.

"What?" Edward looked at Tanya a little confused until his eyes focused on a foreign object on her hand: a two karat diamond on her ring finger. "Is that…?"

"Yes," Tanya nodded, her hand not wavering from his face.

"Ahh…who…?" Edward sputtered

"Aro Volturi, he's a VP with my firm."

"When did…?"

"Six months ago."

"When are you…?

"In two weeks."

"I see," Edward backed his head away and pinched the bridge of his nose as his eyes snapped shut. My heart went out to him at that moment, and I fought the urge to dump the bowl of batter on Tanya's perfectly coiffed head. "Well, could you maybe put your hand down for a second? The damn thing is blinding me."

Tanya lowered her hand. "Sorry."

"I bet you are," I muttered under her breath. Both Edward and Tanya turned to look at me. "Uh…going to be happy. I bet you're going to be happy. Congratulations!" I plastered a fake smile on my face as I flipped the pancakes.

"Thank you," Tanya got a ghost of smile on her face. She turned to look at Edward again and then turned once more. "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"I'm Bella Swan. I'm…"

"My girlfriend," Edward blurted out. Both Tanya and I turned to look at him. A pancake slipped to the floor unnoticed.

"Your girlfriend?" Tanya asked with a puzzled look on her face. I cocked my head to the side, equally puzzled.

"Yes…she is," Edward stuttered. Tanya looked at me again. Edward shot me a desperate look.

I was going to kill him for this.

I banged the spatula onto the counter and sighed. "Yes…I am…apparently," I said slowly. A look of relief came over Edward's face and he grinned at me.

He was going to owe me for this.

"Apparently?" Tanya raised her eyebrows, laughing. She leaned forward. "I'd love to hear this story."

So would I.

I smiled thinly and grabbed the spatula again as I tried to maneuver my way through the situation. "Let's put it this way: it just snuck up on me. It felt like one day we weren't going out, and the next…bam! We were a couple." Tanya nodded at me knowingly. I stacked my pancakes on my plate and gave Edward a sideways glance. Edward frowned at me and I smiled sweetly back at him.

"So how long have you two been together?" Tanya asked.

"A month,"

"A year," Edward and I said simultaneously and then gave each other a dirty look.

"Well, which is it?" Tanya asked, looking back and forth between the two of us.

"Ahh, technically a year, officially a month," Edward said quickly, begging me with his eyes to go along. I walked around the counter and smiled a saccharine smile at him. Frowning, he ran his fingers through his hair.

Getting nervous? You should be.

"Well, you know how it is," I said conspiratorially as I sat on the other side of Tanya. "You meet a guy and he's a little scared of commitment and it takes you forever just to get him to admit his feelings."

Tanya nodded, sympathetically. "Isn't that the story? Especially with someone like Eddie."

"Oh yes…that's definitely the story with…Eddie. Sweet Eddie," I shook my head in a loving way while I poured strawberry syrup all over my plate. Edward rolled his eyes. I stabbed one of my pancakes happily.

"Well, in that case, I'm quite happy I came to see you," Tanya said beaming, as she turned to look at Edward.

"In that case?" Edward asked a little confused. I stuffed half a pancake in my mouth and watched the drama unfold.

"Yes! I came to invite you to the wedding, and of course, I was a little worried how you would take this if you were still single. Now, I'm so relieved," Tanya smiled brightly. "I was afraid you would still be alone, can you imagine that? You still alone after all these years?" she laughed, laying her bejeweled hand on Edward's arm.

"Right," Edward forced a laugh while I smiled into my pancakes.

"So will you come? You too, Bella?" Tanya turned to me, and I choked on my pancake. She whacked me on the back and a piece of food went flying across the counter. I glared at her back when she turned towards Edward.

You should've let me die.

"Um, to what?" Edward asked while massaging his temples.

"To my wedding, of course. I would love it – and so would Aro – if you two would come. It would be wonderful if you would come to the rehearsal dinner too," Edward and I exchanged horrified looks. "You will, won't you? Even though you're not part of the wedding party? You're practically family."

"We _were_ family," Edward muttered quietly, as Tanya turned back to me obliviously.

"Uh…when is it?" I said, trying to buy some time for Edward to think a way out of this. However, at the moment, it seemed as if Edward had stopped thinking altogether. He had a glazed look on his face and was staring at the chewed up piece of pancake that I had spit out.

"It's May 26th. I know it's a little last minute to ask, but I'm hoping you don't have plans yet," Tanya smiled. "I know I procrastinated in asking you, but I was so scared that you'd hate me. Can you believe that?" she laughed, running a manicured hand through her locks.

The right side of my face twitched into a sort of smile and I looked desperately at Edward. "Edward?" I prodded. "What do you think?" Edward blinked his eyes a couple of times.

"I-I…sure," Edward sighed, as I closed my eyes in exasperation. "We'd love to come." Tanya looked at Edward with a big smile on her face and then turned towards me. I popped open my eyes and gave her a sugary smile.

"Positively love to"

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A/N: So what do you guys think? Shall I continue? Please review and let me know what you think!


	2. You're the Watson to my Holmes

Author's Note: Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews. Here's chapter two...hope you enjoy!

Please remember to review and let me know what you think!

Also, Twilight isn't mine...in case you didn't know. This story, though, is my idea.

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EPOV

Tanya left soon after, though unfortunately not before she spent twenty minutes describing her wedding dress in detail.

In excruciating detail.

I could see Bella was contemplating ways to kill herself using only the syrup dispenser and the coffee mug by the fifth time Tanya talked about the pro's and con's of a sweetheart neck versus scoop neck.

Seriously, did Tanya think that this was the kind of crap that ex-husbands cared about? Show me a man who's actually interested in the color scheme of his ex-wife's wedding and I'll show you a man with no balls and no dignity.

…I suppose pretending to have a girlfriend to go to said ex-wife's wedding isn't that high up in the dignity scale either.

Oh God, what did I just agree to?

"Is this thing on?" I snapped out my daze as Bella's fist tapped lightly on my head. I realized then that I'd been staring at the door for at least five minutes. With a frustrated grunt, I shot out of my seat and grabbed Bella's plate. I practically ran into the kitchen before she realized what had happened. The doors had barely swung shut behind me when I heard her voice.

"Please tell me that you have some secret plan and that we're not really going to your ex-wife's wedding pretending we're a COUPLE!" Bella ranted as she slammed the doors open. I ignored her and threw the plate into the sink, where it promptly smashed into several pieces. I grabbed a pot of spaghetti sauce that was sitting on the counter and banged my way to the refrigerator. "Edward! What were you thinking?"

What was I thinking? I had absolute _no_ idea what I was thinking.

It had always been this way with Tanya. I would always find myself agreeing to do something that I didn't want to do. She would always find a way to twist things around until I found myself agreeing to go shopping with her on weekends or going to his-and-hers mani-pedis. Somehow, she knew just what to say to twist my brain around until I was left speechless and incapacitated. That was actually how we ended up married in the first place. We'd had only been together for six months before she started hitting me with several ultimatums, each one worse and more confusing than the previous, until I was so exasperated that I practically begged her to run away with me. I would have done anything to end the torture.

Little had I known that the torture had only begun.

I guess Tanya had always assumed that I'd follow in my father's footsteps and go to medical school. After all, when we started dating my senior year of college, I'd been a biology major with pretty lofty ambitions and good grades. She had been the beautiful criminal justice major, all set to go to law school and become one of those law and order types. She thought we were perfect together, Mr. and Mrs. All-American Dream.

All that changed when my mother's father died, leaving the diner in his will to our family. At first no one wanted to take over the place, and my mother thought we should sell the decrepit old diner to someone who would take care of it. I volunteered to be the one to come down here and sign the papers over to the new owner. I took one look at the diner, with its worn down tiles and old stools, and memories of my grandfather flashed through my head. One after the other, the images came forth, all of them centering around his beloved diner.

In the end, I just couldn't do it. There was no way I could sell this place. It wasn't just a piece of property, it was a legacy.

I immediately shredded the papers and called my parents to tell them my decision. They were dubious at first of my choice, but they came around when they realized how passionate I was about resurrecting the old diner. My mom even came down to help me renovate the place, and we spent many days tearing out old wallpaper and putting in new tables. I don't think I'd ever seen my father more proud of me than the moment we opened the doors for business again.

Tanya was an entirely different matter.

For two years, every word that came out of her mouth was a complaint. Forks was too small, too rainy, too cold. It wasn't near enough to this, it was too close to that. I don't think I ever heard a positive comment from her. Little by little, I started spending more hours at the diner, just to get away from her and her negativity. One day, I guess she had enough, and she left me a note on the kitchen table telling me she was moving to Seattle. Soon after, the divorce papers arrived in the mail and that was that.

Ashes to ashes.

"Bella, I really don't have the patience for this right now. Can we talk about this some other time?" I asked angrily as I threw the pot into the fridge.

She scoffed and struck what I called the "argumentative woman pose": hands on hips, head tilted, foot slightly to the side. Usually it made me laugh, but today it irritated me even more. "No, we can't talk about this some other time. This happens to involve me! What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't really think I was thinking," I muttered as I slammed the door shut and banged my head hard on the fridge.

"Yeah, that much was obvious, Edward. You just agreed to go to your ex-wife's wedding! Why would you do that?" Bella raised her arms in the air and waved them around as if asking God for an answer.

I wish I could get an answer myself.

"She forced me to!" I defended myself weakly, not quite meeting her eyes and instead growling at a crate of onions that was sitting on the counter.

Bella snorted. "Yeah, she really tied you down and forced you to say yes," She shook her head at me questioningly. "I thought you hated her."

One would think that after all that we'd been through, that I'd hate Tanya. There were so many reasons to hate her. I could be angry at her for leaving me, for her not trying enough to be happy here, for not giving us a chance to work it out. I never did manage to hate her, though. Mostly, I blamed myself for not giving her what she needed. Maybe if I'd done more, it could've worked out.

Our divorce never really felt final to me. I think part of me always thought that I'd come home and she'd be there waiting again. It's not to say that I still loved her or wanted her back. I just never had any real closure. One day she was here, and the next she was gone. That's probably why I kept wearing my wedding ring for almost a full year after we separated.

I shrugged and rolled my eyes at Bella and watched with slight amusement as she rolled her own back at me.

Typical Bella. She could always throw anything back at me.

The real wake up call for me was five years ago when Emmett brought Bella by the diner. To this day, I remember that I had been making a Triple Crown Burger (two beef patties, three types of cheese, and bacon with all your fixings on it) when the door opened. I'd swung around to see who it was and had been greeted by the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She wasn't surreal looking like Tanya, who was as surreal as you can get thanks to really expensive Swedish face lotion. She was a natural beauty, all peaches and cream, with dark hair and long eyelashes. And those eyes! I still don't remember exactly what I said to her, but I think I got my name across amidst some stuttering.

For two weeks, I waited to see her come back into the diner. Part of me felt a little ashamed for feeling interested in a woman I barely knew when I was still recently divorced. The other part, however, was bursting inside, waiting to see her face once again. Finally, Emmett and Rosalie came by the diner with Bella. I had waited on all the other tables before them, trying to get my nerves contained before I faced her. When I couldn't delay it anymore, I went to their table and started taking their orders. Everything was going well, and then I felt Bella's eyes on my hand. I looked down and saw that she was staring at my wedding band.

Crap.

For the first time ever, I felt annoyed at myself for leaving the ring on. I moved my hand out of her line of sight, and tried to think of something to say to explain my situation. Something. Anything to make her see that I wasn't an adultering bastard trying to charm her with a smile. Before I could speak, Bella glared at me coldly. She said something mildly insulting to let me know she wasn't interested. Embarrassed, I snapped back at her and we continued this little repartee until I swiveled away to the grill, eager to get away from her.

I managed to squelch my disappointment down and forget about her in _that_ way. Thinking about my friend's little sister in that way was only bad news, especially when she wasn't into me. Since that day, Bella and I remained semi-friends – not quite acquaintances, but not quite buddy-buddy enough to hang out on our own. We always needed some sort of buffer between us as we could never go five minutes without arguing.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Maybe it wouldn't kill you to play along with this for just a little bit? Just to save some of my dignity?" I silently begged Bella to agree. I didn't want to have to resort to verbally begging.

"Dignity? Dignity is pretending that we're going out?" Bella raised an eyebrow at me.

Of course she wasn't going to make it easy.

"In extreme cases, yes. Sometimes we have to buck up and do horrible things in order to save our dignity," I crossed my arms and glared at her stubbornly. Bella's eyes widened, and I mentally smacked myself. Too far, Edward. You took it too far, again.

"Horrible things? I see. Well, you know what? I'll save you the trouble of having to pretend to enjoy going out with me, because I'm _not_ going to Tanya's wedding!" She turned on her heels and walked out of the kitchen.

"No…Bella!" I groaned, as I followed her into the diner. This was not going the way it was supposed to.

Hell, this whole day wasn't going the way it was supposed to.

"Come on, Bella, be reasonable!" I pleaded with her. I wasn't sure what was more humiliating at that moment: that I'd had to resort to lying to my ex-wife about having a girlfriend, or that Bella was repulsed by the idea of pretending to be that girlfriend.

Bella laughed as she turned to face me. "Reasonable! Please don't lecture me on being reasonable, Edward. I'm not the one lying to my ex-wife about an imaginary girlfriend," she started walking towards the door and then stopped. "Not that I have an ex-wife," she pointed out and reached out for the door.

"Come on, Bella, please," I slid in front of her and grabbed her by the arms. She sighed and frowned up at me. "You've got to do this for me!"

"Why's that? Why do I have to do this?" Bella tried to pull away, but I held a tight grip on her forearms.

"Because otherwise I'm screwed! I'll have to tell Tanya that I was making it all up. Do you know how humiliating that will be?" Bella turned her face away from me, and I lowered my face near hers. Her lips were stained a light red from the strawberries on her pancakes and I could still smell them on her.

Her face turned slightly red. "Yeah, well, you shouldn't have lied in the first place then!" she exclaimed, trying to gesture wildly while having her arms restrained. I kept her arms in a firm grip and tried a new tactic.

"Look, I don't want to do this anymore than you do. Just this once," I paused. "I'll owe you."

She seemed to consider this for a little bit. I could see the wheels turning in her head. "You'll owe me big." Bella finally muttered.

"I'll owe you big," I said solemnly and then burst into a smile in spite of myself. "Is that the beginnings of a 'yes' that I hear?"

"No."

"C'mon…what do I have to do, beg?" I joked, hoping that she wouldn't take me up on it. Last time I asked if she wanted me to beg, I was forced to get down on my knees in front of everyone just to get my car keys back.

"That would be a start," she said and tilted her head to the side, challenging me. My eyes pleaded with hers, and in the end, Bella lowered her eyes and bit her lip.

Yes! I knew I had her once she started biting her lip.

"Please?" I asked once more, in a lower tone.

Bella sighed. "Oh, alright. But you're so going to owe me now, Edward," she threatened. I grinned at her. "I mean it. You're really going to owe me. Like beyond the measure of normal owing. We're talking monumental owing. If I ever need a favor, whatever it is, whatever the time of day, you're the guy," She nodded at me.

I ignored her and squeezed her arms excitedly. "You're amazing, Bella."

"I know."

"I could just kiss you right now," I blurted out stupidly, and then grimaced as she recoiled.

That's not exactly something you want a girl to do when you say you could kiss them, even if you're joking about it.

"You do, and I back out of this deal right now," Bella mumbled, pulling out of my arms.

I rolled my eyes, and pretended not to be insulted by her reaction. "You have no idea what this means to me."

"Yeah, well, all I know is you're buying their gift," Bella said in a lighter tone, pulling on her sleeves.

"Oh yeah? Blender or Cuisinart?"

"I'd go with blender, that way they can throw back margaritas when married life catches up to them," Bella grinned cheekily. "It's like therapy in a box."

"How considerate of you. I always knew there was a heart beneath your icy exterior," I playfully poked her arm.

Bella shrugged. "I can't lie. I have a weakness for drunken yuppies." She walked around me to open the door.

I laughed. "Yuppies? Aren't we being hasty in judging others?"

She waved her hand at me dismissively. "Elementary, my dear Watson. Exhibit A, Prada bag. Exhibit B, fancy-schmancy fiancé. Exhibit C, the tasteful manicure," She held up her own short nails with chipped polish. "These are the hands of a worker. Those were the hands of a yuppie. You do the math." She disappeared through the door, leaving me astounded.

I shook my head at her and then grumbled slightly. "Watson? Why the hell am I Watson?" I turned around to go back to the kitchen to pick up the mess I'd made in there. "I'd rather be Holmes."

Bella stuck her head in again. "Well, I don't want to go to this wedding."

"I can live with being Watson."

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A/N: Please review! Just click that little green box and let me know what you think.


	3. Practice Makes Perfect

Author's Note: This took a long time to write because my computer decided to lose my first draft earlier this week… but here it is! Chapter 3!

Thanks so much for the reviews so far. It means a lot to me to know that people like my story. Please, keep reviewing and telling me what you think!

Also, I'd like to take this time to pimp out my other story, Changes. It's a longer, more involved story than this one, but hopefully interesting to you guys.

I don't own Twilight…but I do own this idea.

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EPOV

The rest of the day flew by in a daze as I tried to recover from Tanya's unexpected visit and Bella's disapproval. I blindly went through the motions of the day and barely even noticed when the grill caught on fire or when I dropped a stack of plates in the kitchen. It was like I was on auto-pilot and just drifting along until I could get to the end of the day and drown my sorrows in a large whiskey.

There was no better friend to a man than a glass of whiskey.

It really hurt my pride that Bella was so put off by the idea of pretending to be my girlfriend. I just didn't know what to make of her sometimes. That woman had the ability to turn my world upside down and leave me frustrated and discombobulated within a few minutes. There was just something about the way she moved and talked that left me in a daze. Most days I'd find myself scrambling for words after I realized I was staring at her large doe eyes or her pretty figure and even prettier smile. She never failed to shoot me a disgusted look, though, and I knew that it was always in disapproval for finding her attractive.

It wasn't my fault I found her beautiful. It _was _my fault, though, that I let crap come out of my mouth before thinking it through. Way to fight fire with fire...as if Bella needed more reasons to argue with me.

But, seriously, did she have to hate the idea of playing my girlfriend so much?

I closed down at five, the earliest I'd ever shut the doors since I'd opened my diner. If I'd pushed Mrs. Harrison out the door any faster, I would've needed to plant my foot on her ass and kick her outside.

Sorry, ma'am. Some days a man just has to self medicate.

I locked the doors and closed the blinds before reaching under the register for a half full bottle of Jack Daniels. Couple ice cubes, long pour and I was all set to drink away worries away. I could leave the thoughts of my oblivious ex-wife and my pretend girlfriend for tomorrow.

I snorted into my glass. Wonderful. All my troubles circled around women I wasn't actually with.

Edward Cullen, you stud.

Two loud thuds on the door broke me out of my miserable thoughts. I lifted myself off my stool with a grunt and looked through the blinds. Emmett was hopping outside, waving his arms wildly.

"What's up?" I opened the door and stepped aside.

Emmett rushed by me and dropped his muscular frame into my abandoned stool. "Dude, I know you're closed, but I need two burgers and fries, stat," He paused and closed his eyes, trying to remember the order. "Medium-well, extra salt and pepper, no ketchup or mustard, tomato and lots of pickles. Make that, _heavy_ on the pickles."

I grinned as I rounded the counter and fired up the grill. "Rosalie's having cravings again?"

"Cravings? It's more like demands!" Emmett groaned and banged his head against the counter. The poor man looked frantic. Emmett and Rosalie had been married for about two years now and were expecting their first child in about a month. Rosalie had never been a bucketful of sunshine, but ever since she'd stopped being able to see her feet, she became absolutely terrifying. Emmett laid his head against the counter and closed his eyes, and I chuckled as I saw the similarity between his sister and him. "I feel like I'm a hostage negotiator, and if I don't meet her demands, I'll never see little Emmett again!"

I plopped some burgers onto the grill and raised an eyebrow at him. "Again? You haven't even had the kid yet, Emmett. How's she going to threaten you with taking your child away?"

"Not that Emmett. _This_ Emmett," He pointed towards his crotch and made a snipping motion with his fingers. I cringed.

Leave it to Rosalie to threaten Emmett with castration if he forgot the extra pickles.

Emmett raised his head off the counter and eyed the bottle of Jack. "Long day?"

I laughed dryly. "You could say that," I dropped the fries into the fryer and then pulled out another glass for him. "You look like you could use a drink yourself."

He accepted the glass and poured himself a tall drink. "I'm probably going to own stock in this company by the time my kid reaches his teens," Emmett muttered and took a long sip. He studied me for a few seconds. "What's up?"

"Not much," I turned around and busied myself with flipping the burgers. "Oh, by the way…Tanya came by," I said nonchalantly. "She's, uh, getting married and she invited me to the wedding." I heard a sputtering noise and turned around to see Emmett wiping whiskey from his chin. He stared at me with wide eyes and his mouth frozen open. I rolled my eyes and slapped the spatula onto the counter.

That seemed to do the trick. Emmett snapped his jaw shut and then laughed. "Why would she do that?"

I shrugged. "Who knows. Some sense of misguided friendship? Some devious plot? No idea."

Seriously, who was I to delve into the depths of her blonde psyche?

"I can't believe the balls on your ex-wife!" Emmett exclaimed. I smiled thinly. "So what'd she say when you told her no?" I ignored his question and turned back to the grill, expertly laying out buns and flipping the burgers onto them. "Oh, no! You're kidding!" I checked on the fries as if I hadn't heard him. "Dude, grow a pair!"

I turned back around and shook my head sheepishly. "I couldn't help it. She pulled that Jedi mind stuff on me again and I found myself saying yes before I knew what was happening."

"So, what…you're going to go to your ex-wife's wedding by yourself and watch her get married to another guy?" Emmett shook his head at me, his brown eyes twinkling a little. I could see he was trying really hard to reign in his laughter.

Hopefully he'd still be laughing after I told him I was going with his sister.

"Not exactly by myself," I said slowly. I tried to think of how to phrase it properly. There was really no good way to tell your best friend that you were going on a date – pretend or not – with his baby sister. I poured the fries into two containers and turned as Emmett snatched one up. "I'm going with Bella."

Emmett stared at me, the fry falling out of his mouth unnoticed. "Bella?"

You know, Bella? Petite, chocolate eyes, mahogany hair, and sexy as hell with a razor sharp tongue?

"Your sister?" I prodded sarcastically.

Emmett waved my sarcasm away with a swipe of his large hand. "Yeah, I get that. But…why?"

"Because Bella is going as my girlfriend," I said calmly, though my voice went up a little at the end as if I were asking a question.

"Holy shit!" Emmett exclaimed, smacking the counter with his hand. I clenched my jaw, preparing myself for trouble, and then watched in surprise as Emmett groaned and muttered to himself as he took out his wallet and then put a dollar into his shirt pocket. He then calmly replaced his wallet and picked up his drink as if nothing had happened.

"What was that?" I asked, my lips twitching slightly.

Emmett mumbled something. I leaned in towards him, and he frowned and muttered, "Rosalie's making me keep a swear jar."

_What?_

Whipped!

"Excuse me?" I laughed, putting my elbow on the counter wrapping my hand around my glass.

Emmett scowled at me. "Rosalie thinks that our kid's going to go therapy or kill puppies or something if he hears a few choice words," He sighed and then counted off on his fingers. "It's a dollar for every swear word, two dollars for compound ones, and five bucks for particularly juicy sentences."

I let out my pent up laughter. Emmett glared at me and then took another long sip of his drink. "So how much is in the jar so far?" I asked, finishing my whiskey and then clinking my lonely ice around my glass.

"One hundred and fifty-two dollars," he grumbled. I raised my eyebrows in shock at the amount. "It wasn't my fault she started it the day of play-offs!"

I laughed as I refilled my glass. I placed the fixings on the burgers and piled them high with pickles before throwing them into the containers. I glanced up and noticed Emett was staring at me expectantly. "What, you think I'm going to start singing and dancing?"

"Leave the dinner theatre to the professionals, Edward," Emmett shook his head and then drummed his fingers on his glass. His face turned serious. "Now, you were telling me how you and my baby sister are love-bunnies?"

My eyes widened a little and I shook my head weakly. "Not exactly, Emmett. I might've worded that badly before. It's just for the rehearsal dinner and wedding." Emmett continued staring me down, and I took another sip to calm my nerves.

"So what, just wham, bam, thank you ma'am?" Emmett glowered at me, his back rigid and his fists clenched.

I choked on my drink. The dark liquor burned my airway as it went down wrong. I coughed repeatedly and tried to suck in air. "Whoa! Not at all! It's just pretend. We're just acting a part, man," I explained, my hands held out to placate him.

"So you don't think she's good enough for you?" Emmett asked menacingly, leaning towards me.

It was almost pathetically funny how it was the complete opposite. How about _she_ didn't think that _I _was good enough for her.

I watched Emmett's eyebrows knit together and I mentally calculated how much he outweighed me by and what my odds were if he went berserk on me.

Christ, I valued my own _cajones_.

"Uh…no. I mean, yes. That is…well, Bella…" I stuttered. The room felt really hot all of a sudden. How to best explain my feelings towards Bella? My heart beat a little unevenly. "I think I…"

Emmett held up his hand to stop my embarrassing ramble about his sister. "Dude, I'm just busting your balls here. Don't act like I'm going to set you on fire and then stage it as an accident," Emmett paused and stared intently at me. "Though you should know that I _do_ know how to do that. Eagle Scout, baby!" He thumped his chest with his fist. I raised my eyebrow at him and waited for him to continue. "I get what you're doing." His face broke out in a huge grin.

"You do?" I breathed in a sigh of relief.

"Yeah. I mean, I'd totally do the same thing if I were in your situation." Emmett took a large sip of his drink.

"You would?" I asked, raking a hand through my hair. My heart was still acting a little funny.

"Pfft! Hell no!" Emmett laughed. I shot him an irritated look and grabbed a plastic bag from under the counter. I stuffed the containers in the bag as he tried to contain his laughter. "I'd tell the bitch to get the hell out of town. Six years and no word? She must be delusional!"

"In other words, you have nothing to contribute to this discussion," I said stiffly, as I tossed some ketchup packets in the bag.

Emmett dug his money out from his wallet. "In all seriousness?"

"That would be nice."

"I do understand your position. I mean, it's insane and stupid, but I do understand." Emmett smiled at me as he passed me some cash and I found myself smiling back in spite of myself. "Just play the hell out of your role, and make sure that bitch knows you've moved on."

"With my fake girlfriend?" I snorted.

"Who cares? It's the principle!"

"The principle?" I asked dubiously.

"Well, I suppose the true principle of this story is that you shouldn't lie to your ex-wife and pretend you have a girlfriend to take to said ex-wife's wedding," Emmett winked at me as I narrowed my eyes at him. He grinned and finished his drink before smacking his lips together. "But, hell, if you've already put your foot in your mouth, you might as well go balls to the wall with this shiznit! I'm here for you, man."

"Thanks, man. That means a lot to me," I admitted.

"Of course, asking my sister to be your date was probably one of the most ass-backwards ideas you've ever had," Emmett stated bluntly.

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"How do you expect to get through the night with her? Don't you remember last week's movie night?"

I grimaced. Last week, Bella and I had each volunteered to pick up the pizza for the movie night. After arguing over who would go and get it, we'd finally agreed to go together, though that had led to yet another disagreement over who would drive. Once that was settled, we'd bickered the entire way there. A twenty minute trip to get the pizza had turned into a two hour fiasco as our annoyances and stubbornness got the better of us and we fought furiously over the toppings.

Excuse me for not wanting pineapple on my pizza.

Insults were thrown, names were called, and customers were scared off. In the end, we came back to Emmett's house pizza-less and banned from setting foot in the only pizzeria in Forks.

"You have a point," I groaned, taking another large sip of my drink.

Emmett looked thoughtful. "Maybe you want to spend some time with her before you guys go to that wedding. Just to see if you guys can cool it down for a bit, you know? Like some sort of practice?"

I nodded at his suggestion. "That's not a bad idea. That way I won't be a wreck the day of the wedding. I don't want to screw it up."

Emmett gave me a long calculating look. "Believe me, I'll make sure you're a wreck if you screw it up with my sister."

I met his stare with my own long look. I couldn't tell if that was a joke or a warning.

Maybe it was better not to ask.

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BPOV

"YOU'RE WHAT?" Alice screamed into the phone. I cringed and held the receiver away from my head for a few seconds.

Alice had a tendency to gravitate towards the dramatics, and her reaction to my news about Edward had not disappointed. I'd met Alice the first month I'd moved to town and had instantly been taken with her. We had both reached for the same copy of While You Were Sleeping one Friday night and upon realizing that neither of us was willing to give up the DVD, we'd agreed to watch it together. We'd bonded that night over mint chocolate chip ice cream and Sandra Bullock quotes. She and I became fast friends, despite the vast differences in our personalities.

She was butterflies and rainbows; I was arsenic and a swift kick in the ass.

Alice owned one of the few clothing shops in town, and as a result, she was constantly trying to stuff me into dresses and skirts that I'd never wear. She always claimed that she did it because she wanted to see the clothing on someone to get an idea of how to sell it – because clearly she didn't have any mannequins in her store – but I knew it was really how she got her kicks in ever since I'd put my foot down about shopping with her. The woman was a devil in a mall, her little heels clicking like crazy as she wildly grabbed and shoved and pushed and pulled everything into my unwilling arms.

Frankly, it was a little scary. I found myself squirming into sequined minidresses just to avoid her evil eye. No one should ever have to endure that form of torture.

I should've known, though, that Alice would have found a way to get around my refusal. She's been dating Jasper, Rosalie's twin brother, for about a year now, and was just realizing that she could claim she was family whenever I refused to go out with her.

Clearly, my brother's wife's twin brother's girlfriend was on a branch smack dab in the middle of the Swan family tree.

I had been willing to let her go without news of my agreement with Edward until the last possible minute, but then I'd realized that I needed help picking out an outfit for the rehearsal dinner.

It was like the gods were trying to smite me.

Within minutes of my phone call, Alice had me pulling outfits from my closet until my room looked like a hurricane had passed through it.

Freakin' Hurricane Alice.

"You're kidding, right?" Alice asked shrilly.

"I wish," I said flatly, holding a dress in front of me while glancing in the mirror. "What do you think of the blue one?" My grey sweatpants clashed fabulously with the blue sleeveless dress.

"No good," Alice said immediately. "It makes you look matronly"

"Matronly?" I groaned and tossed it onto my bed with the rest of the rejects.

"Yeah, it gives you a little poof over your stomach."

"Hey, my stomach does not have a little poof!" I protested, self-consciously touching my belly.

"I didn't say your stomach has a poof, I said the dress makes you _look_ like you have a poof," Alice explained, her voice tinkling over the phone.

"Yeah, well…I have nothing to wear then." I sat down on top of a grey dress. My empty closet stared back at me defiantly.

"When's this thing again?"

"Next Saturday," I shook my head pathetically. "I can't believe I let him drag me into this."

"I can't believe you let him do it either," Alice giggled. "Though it should be pretty interesting."

"There's nothing interesting about this, Alice," I frowned as she continued to laugh. "What?" I snapped.

"You two have to act like you're in love. I'd say that's pretty damn interesting."

"I think not," I said crisply as I stood up and began to pace. "There is no way that I'm going to pretend to be in love with Edward."

I had to draw the line somewhere and acting all love-dovey with Edward was not part of the deal. This was supposed to be simple and easy. We'd be in and out in twenty minutes. Maybe thirty, if I got to have a drink or two. That was it. My plan was for it to be like ripping off a Band-aid: quick and relatively painless.

Why prolong the torture? It wasn't like he was eager to do this either. Why give him another opportunity for him to brush me off? I could just picture him recoiling as I tried to touch his hand just for show.

No, thanks.

"Bella, they're not going to believe you two are dating if you're just standing there glaring at each other and arguing the whole night," Alice explained patiently.

"Well that's what I'm good at doing," I huffed.

Seriously, I was an expert at getting under Edward's skin.

Alice laughed again. "It won't be such a bad thing, will it?"

"Um, yeah, it will," I rolled my eyes and sidestepped an ugly brown skirt on my floor.

"Why's that?"

"How can you even ask that? Because I'm not in love with him, that's why!" I put my free hand on my waist and glared at my reflection in the mirror. Angry Bella glared right back at me.

"Okay." Alice sounded unconvinced.

"What?" I growled.

"Nothing…"

"Alice…" I warned my friend.

"…Just…you know, it shouldn't be too bad an experience. All you have to do is pretend to be in love with a handsome man," Alice said in an amused tone.

I shook my head and paced around my room again. "I really don't think that's happening, Alice. You said it yourself. We annoy the crap out of each other. Don't you remember last Christmas?"

Last Christmas, the six of us had met at Emmett and Rosalie's house to trim the tree. While the others were sitting around the fireplace, singing songs and looking like rejects from a crappy holiday movie, Edward and I had been arguing hotly over how to decorate the tree. He was a firm believer that the ornaments should be spaced out evenly throughout the tree, with similar ones distanced from each other, while I was in favor of a different approach.

Was I the only one who thought that the little drummer boy would be lonely without the little matchstick girl by his side?

We still don't know who threw the first ornament, but we do know that soon glass was flying everywhere and Emmett had to grab me by my waist to keep me from trying to tackle Edward into the tree. We were split up soon after that, as Edward had to run out to buy replacement ornaments and I was forced to sweep up the broken glass from all corners of the living room.

Merry freakin' Christmas.

"I don't think anyone can forget that. We were picking glass out of the couch for months," Alice laughed.

I smiled slightly. "See? So what do you call that, if not complete incompatibility?"

"Sexual tension," Alice said matter-of-factly.

I stopped walking and stood there silently.

Sexual tension? Right.

Sure, I'd admit that I found him handsome, but it wasn't like I was drooling over him when he was flipping hamburgers or giving me my change. It wasn't like that I was about to hump his apron while we were trading insults at the diner.

Please.

Still, on those nights when he'd go over to Emmett and Rose's house and he'd be wearing that green button up shirt that matched his eyes and his sleeves would be rolled up showing his arms and he'd be in those tight jeans and his hair would be all…

I blinked.

Alright. I admit it. He was sex incarnate. He'd managed to make me weak in my knees on more than one occasion. There were times when he'd smile that little crooked smirk of his and I'd be tempted to get really close and invade his personal space in a naughty way just to give him something to _really_ smirk about. Of course I'd never act on those lust-fueled feelings. Rejecting would be immediate and the effects would be long-lasting. I'd probably have to move to Alaska and change my name just to save myself from embarrassment.

Note to self: Try the name Sella Bwan.

I swiveled towards the mirror, thinking maybe something had changed in the minutes since I had last looked. Yup, just as I suspected. Same old mousey brown hair and pallid complexion. Lips too big for my face and ratty old sweats hiding my body.

Bella Swan, sex goddess. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

It was clear to me, if not to everyone else, that Edward had absolutely no interest in me. He'd made it obvious enough times with those snide remarks and long pointed looks. I rolled my eyes at Alice's suggestion of sexual tension.

Talk about a pathetic one-sided tension.

Seriously, how could he contain himself when I came into the diner dressed like this? And every time his jaw clenched when he had to sit next to me at dinner, or his hands tightened around the steering wheel when he'd had to drive me places, it was _clearly_ all sex-driven.

What was Alice on?

"Bella?" Alice broke into my thoughts.

I cleared my throat and mumbled out hoarsely, "Sexual tension?"

"Yes. Sexual tension. Heaps of it."

I laughed and resumed my pacing. "Alice, there is no sexual tension there."

That lie rolled off my lips far too easily.

"Sure. If you say so," Alice paused knowing full well that I was going to say something to her remark.

"Wait, wait. What's with the sarcasm?" I frowned.

"Bella, if you want to be blind, go right ahead. One day you'll open your eyes and see what I've been seeing for the past five years," Alice said dramatically. I snorted. "I'm serious! I know these things."

"Right," I said, with a short laugh. "Come back to Earth, Alice."

"Well, stop pacing first. You're driving me nuts," Alice ordered. I raised my eyebrows in surprise and sat down on my bed, squashing the 'matronly' blue dress. The damn pixie scared me sometimes. She laughed, her voice sounding like chimes in my ear. "Oh, don't act like I'm psychic, Bella. I could hear the wind whistling through the phone."

"You're still a little freaky, Alice," I shook my head.

"Well, that's what Jasper likes to say." I could picture Alice waggling her eyebrows at me.

"Ew! Spare me the images!" I grumbled, slapping a hand over my eyes.

Alice giggled and then calmed down. "So when are you guys practicing?"

"Practicing what?" I laid back and covered my eyes with the dress.

"Practice being a couple," Alice said slowly. My silence shocked her. She gasped. "Don't tell me you were just planning on winging this?"

"What's wrong with that?" I protested.

Alice groaned. "Bella! You'll never fool anyone if you don't get your plan together and come up with a history or something."

"Are you serous, Alice?" I grumbled.

"You promised him, Bella," Alice said firmly. "You have to go through with this now, and you're not going to do it half-assed. So make sure you guys have dinner together this week or something, and come up with a plan."

I laid there for a few minutes after we got off the phone, my eyes still covered by the dress, and my mind still reeling. As much as I hated to admit it, Alice had a point. I had to do this for Edward. As much as we clashed, as much as we argued…I had to do this for him.

I whipped the dress off my face and sighed dramatically.

Tomorrow's mission: ask Edward Cullen out on a date.

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A/N #2- Can you imagine if your mission was to ask Edward Cullen out? What a tragedy, huh? I hope you guys like this! Please, review and let me know what you think!


	4. Mission: Edward Cullen

Author's Note: Thanks so much for the love, guys. Here's the next chapter. It was going to be longer, but I decided to cut it and will post it as two separate chapters. Hope you like it!

Special shoutout to **Leon McFrenchington **for helping me with grammar issues in my story. You're amazing! Also, **jenNnN** said that she actually bought a Cuisinart after learning about it in this story! How cool is that??

As always, please review..it makes me happy!

Twilight isn't mine, by the way... but this crazy story is!

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BPOV

The next morning I woke up with a start to the soft soothing sounds of a static filled foreign radio station. I cursed my tendency to slam my hand down on the snooze button blindly. That probably jiggled my cheap radio knob, leaving it ready to receive some pirated station from Switzerland or something. I glared at my alarm and shoved it off my nightstand. It fell to the floor and let out last yodel.

Do _not_ mess with me today. Today I was a woman on a mission.

A mission that was impossible, perhaps?

After a quick shower, I hopped in my truck and rattled my way to the diner. Usually the drive seemed to last forever, as I was always stuck behind the granny who loved to ride her brakes or the annoying man on his cell phone, but today fate seemed to be propelling my ass towards the main street at a ridiculous pace.

The faster to embarrass you, my dear…

I cut the engine and sat in my truck with my stomach churning. I bit my lip and stared at the diner as if it were an enemy camp. That was ridiculous, though. Edward wasn't in there, waiting to torture me or fry me with a car battery.

On second though, pass me those bamboo shoots. I'd stick them up my own fingernails if I didn't have to go in there.

It was unreasonable to feel so nervous. Nervousness was for people who were excited over an upcoming event, who were looking forward to something but were too scared to actually leap for it. Me? I was just sick to my stomach that I had to submit myself to being laughed at by Edward. I was just giving him more ammo for another day.

Hey, Bella, remember that time you asked me out on a date? Christ, that was hilarious! You actually looked serious!

I groaned and laid my head on the steering wheel. Was it possible for people to die of embarrassment? There must be documented cases of this happening somewhere in the world. It wouldn't be that bad, would it? I think I'd rather take pain of death over pain of asking Edward out on a date.

I whimpered slightly and then jumped as my forehead hit the horn. I looked around quickly and saw that half the people inside the diner were looking at me. Beautiful. Of course the only thing to work properly on my decrepit truck would be the horn.

I jumped out of my truck and walked inside quickly, blushing slightly as a couple people continued to look at me through the window. I cursed the door chime when it signaled my entrance.

My eyes quickly searched him out, but I didn't have to look far. There he was, reading the newspaper behind the counter. His hair was mussed as if he had just run his hand through it and he had a pencil tucked behind his ear. He had on a blue t-shirt that hugged his muscles and a small hand towel tucked into the waistband of his faded jeans. My heart fell a bit. It might have been 8am, and we might have been in a crowded diner with the scent of bacon in the air, but the man still managed to look glorious. I almost expected a ray of sunshine to come shooting through the window and shine down upon him to complete the perfect picture of angelic beauty that he was.

Was he sure he wanted _me_ to pretend to be his date?

I thought about turning around driving straight to work without a second glance at him. It wouldn't be too impossible to avoid him in a town of 500 people, right? Sure, I'd probably have to duck around dumpsters and jump over fences to avoid the main roads, but that would be well worth it if I could spare myself this agony.

I stopped myself before I could get too far with that train of thought. As appealing as it might be, there was no point in doubting myself right now. What's done, is done, and all that. He had asked, and I had agreed, and now we just had to make sure we didn't look like fools at the wedding. This wasn't personal, and there was no need to drag my feelings of attraction into this. I could do that. I could be emotionless and businesslike with our agreement.

I sighed deeply and straightened my back out. I fixed my gaze upon Edward and walked with purpose towards the counter. I hoped my stride wouldn't betray my rapidly beating heart. Edward didn't look up, and I held back a growl.

Edward Cullen, you _will_ go out with me.

I managed to slide onto a stool without falling off and slammed my head into the counter, as per my usual morning routine. "Coffee," I ordered. I closed my eyes and waited.

Nothing.

I opened one eye and repeated my order after a few minutes passed in silence. Edward barely looked up from his newspaper. I sat up straight and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Am I supposed to add 'sweetie' to that so I can get coffee?" I asked sarcastically.

"Get it yourself," he said, not looking up.

I scoffed and studied his face. His jaw looked tense and he was frowning slightly. Huh. He was serious. I wonder what bug crawled up his ass this morning?

"Is this any way to greet the love of your life?" I muttered as I walked around the counter to start my coffee. I unceremoniously dumped random scoops of coffee into the filter and jammed it back into the machine.

"I wouldn't know. I'll find out when I meet her," Edward stated calmly.

"Way to break my heart," I snorted, as I turned around and saw that he was still staring at the newspaper. I peeked over his shoulder. Kitten saves puppy from tree? That was more interesting than me?

Nice to know where I stood.

I crossed my arms and waited for my coffee to filter. I leaned back against the counter in the tight space next to Edward. I could see he was trying to ignore my close proximity, but after a few minutes, he finally folded his paper and looked down at me. His green eyes bore into mine and I could feel the warmth from his breath on my face. I cleared my throat and turned my gaze back to the coffee maker.

"So, what's up, sunshine?" I asked flippantly, ignoring the way he was still looking at me.

Edward shifted slightly, and his arm touched mine. We both jerked away immediately, and then looked at each other. His face clouded slightly and he turned away to pour my coffee.

I rounded the counter slowly and sat down. Could he have been any more disgusted by me? This was going to be harder than I thought.

"Here you go," Edward said quietly, as he set a mug in front of me. I lunged for the mug, eager to do something besides sit in awkwardness. Before I could grab it, Edward's hand shot out and pulled the mug away from me.

I frowned. "Hey! You tease." My hands fluttered nervously in front of me without something to hold onto. I quickly slid them onto my lap.

"Don't you ever learn, Bella?" Edward shook his head at me, a grin slightly working its way onto his face.

"I wasn't going to drink it right away," I lied with a pout. Edward rolled his eyes and set the mug behind him. "You're kidding," I said flatly. He smirked at me. I narrowed my eyes back at him and his stupid little grin. We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before we both looked away.

That was…odd.

It was easy to ignore the small flutter in my heart. I was more concerned about what was going on between us. The past five minutes had been the oddest and quietest since I'd known Edward, and I knew Tanya was to blame.

Hmm. Maybe that could be something to talk about? Though I doubt saying, "Hey, let's bitch about Tanya!" would really break the tension right now.

Alright, let's make it even more awkward. No better time than the present to ask him out, right?

I looked up at Edward again. He was starting at the grill with an odd expression on his face. His eyes snapped to mine, and I looked away, embarrassed to be caught looking.

"Bella? Can we talk?" Edward asked, leaning on the counter in front of me.

"Can I have my coffee?" I asked quickly, suddenly not wanting to hear what he had to say next. I had a feeling I'd get a speech about the wedding. Surely he was going to say something about me staring at him and how our 'relationship' was only going to be an act.

Edward reached back and got my coffee. I snatched it out of his hands and took a long sip, hiding the way the coffee burned at my mouth. I ignored his frown.

"Look – "

"Can I have some sugar?" I looked around wildly for some sugar.

Christ, why was I so rattled?

Edward sighed and slid the sugar over to me from its current location of five inches to my right. I snatched it up and promptly poured half the dispenser in. He looked on, curiously.

"Bella – "

"Can I have some milk?" I clinked my spoon around my mug and avoided his gaze.

Edward pounded the counter lightly with his fist and I jumped.

What nerves of steel I have.

"You don't drink milk with your coffee," he stated, his eyes narrowing at me.

I scowled. "Excuse me for wanting to try new things."

"Look, I'm trying to talk to you and you're acting like you're on crack," Edward ran a hand through his hair.

I ignored the way his hair stood on end around his forehead and frowned at him. "You really know what to say to a girl to make her feel special, don't you?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'm not talking to a girl, I'm talking to you."

I gawked at him. Say what? He shook his head quickly, grimacing. "That's not what I meant to say."

"Really? What _did_ you mean to say?" I leaned forward, my face a few inches away from his chest.

"You know what I meant," Edward retorted, leaning down towards me. The distance between our faces shortened, and I felt a strong urge to shorten it even more.

"I'm not even going to pretend to understand the male brain," I huffed, trying to distract myself from the way his cologne smelled.

Mmm…eau de maple syrup.

Edward laughed. "That goes double for the female brain."

"Oh, so I _am_ a girl?" I put a hand to my chest.

"Last I checked," Edward smirked at me.

My heart thudded in my chest.

Oh, sweet lord, please do check!

I sat there silently, not being able to speak. Edward leaned back slightly, content that he had won that battle.

"Alright, look. Can we talk?" I asked after a long pause.

Edward looked at me exasperatedly. "That's what I've been trying to do!"

"Well, you're not doing a very good job of it, so I'm going to take over," I snapped.

Edward glared at me. "It's not my fault you're so uncooperative. Trying to have a serious conversation with you is near impossible."

I snorted. "And you're so easy to talk to as well?"

Edward rolled his eyes and sighed. "What did you want to talk about, Bella?"

I looked away. The banter had been easy. The insults, the taunts, even the innuendos. This, however, required skills that I wasn't sure I possessed.

"Well, I've been thinking that…" I floundered for words. Edward looked on amused. I narrowed my eyes and kept at it. "It's come to my attention that we don't act much like a couple," I said, my voice taking on a businesslike quality.

Edward grinned slightly. "You don't say?"

"Yeah, can you believe that?" I quipped.

"So you think maybe we should be trying to act more like we're going out?" Edward asked.

My ears perked up. "Exactly," I said, taking a long sip of my coffee. I gagged at the sweetness. He sighed and wordlessly replaced my sugary coffee with an empty mug.

"So…you think maybe we should practice or something?" Edward asked nonchalantly as he poured me a new cup.

"Practice?" I repeated looking up at him quickly. He sounded eerily like Alice. Our eyes met and I stared back defiantly. He met my gaze for a few seconds before turning around to put the coffee pot back. "That sounds good. How do you want to do it?" My voice sounded a lot calmer than I actually felt.

"Maybe like spend some time together, just the two of us, and get our act together. Maybe go out to dinner or something." Edward said calmly, as he leaned in front of me again.

Wait a minute… was Edward Cullen asking _me_ out on a date?

Sweet baby Jesus, was I living in Bizarro world?

I blinked.

Well, that definitely saved me embarrassment and trouble. And at least now we'd be able to pull this off reasonably well for Tanya and her society friends.

The weirdest part was that even though I knew he was doing this only for the sake of our agreement, and that this wasn't a real date, my legs and arms quickly got goose bumps and my heart started beating faster. A warm feeling came over my chest, and my stomach started doing happy – it not nauseating – flips.

_Edward Cullen asked me out on a date. _

I basked in the glory of this realization for a few seconds, before I realized that I'd been staring at him slack jawed for too long. I cleared my throat and lifted my coffee.

"Maybe," I murmured, hiding my smile with my mug. Edward grinned at me crookedly before turning away to another customer.

Mission: Accomplished.

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A/N#2 - Hopefully you guys like the way I have them asking each other out? It sort of leads to a semi-mutual asking out, but in the end, Edward takes control and does it. I kind of wanted that. I always felt that Bella puts herself down way more than Edward does, despite his whole self-loathing.

So if you like it, please review..and even if you don't, please let me know what you think.


	5. The Interrogation

A/N: Wow. Seriously, wow. Thanks so much for all your reviews, guys. It's so great getting this support from you all. I hope you guys like this chapter. It was supposed to be really short, almost a filler, but then I got really into it and had fun. Hope you enjoy! Review please!

To the awesome **Leon McFrenchington** who gave me a shoutout on his profile... I really hope I can live up to your expectations! You can expect lots of perfume spritzed love notes from me in your inbox soon.

I don't own Twilight..or Edward. But I do own this story, so I can make my Edward do whatever I want...

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BPOV

"I really appreciate you helping me with the groceries, Bella," Rosalie said with a smile as I pushed her overflowing cart down the supermarket aisle. "It's getting kind of hard to buy food on the bottom shelves when you can't bend over."

"It's no problem, Rose," I grinned back, as I leaned down to snatch a couple loaves of bread that she pointed out to me. I shook my head at the mound of food in the cart. "This is only for a week?"

Rose snorted. "That's nothing. Between Emmett and this one here," she rubbed her belly lovingly, "We go through three cartons of eggs a week easily. I'd buy a chicken, but I'm afraid Emmett would eat it if left to his own devices."

I laughed as we lazily strolled through the supermarket. It was amazing how in five years Rosalie had become the sister I'd never had. Our relationship had started out a little rocky when I first moved to Forks. She was used to being the center of Emmett's attention, while I was accustomed to having my big brother all to myself. It was an understatement to say that having to share him been a strain at first. She had been intimidated by my constant presence and his affection for me, and I had been put off by her cold behavior and the way Emmett doted on her.

Seriously, was it necessary to always be attached at the lips? Didn't that get sort of unhygienic after a while?

Little by little, though, we bonded as we each realized that we weren't losing Emmett, but we were gaining a little family of our own. As women who grew up with brothers, we each got the sister that we'd always wanted. Now we had someone to bake cookies with and talk secret girl-talk instead of fighting for the television and avoiding wet willies.

Plus, the chance to gang up against my brother was just too good to miss out on. If Emmett was being pigheaded, I could always threaten to call mom, and Rosalie would threaten to withhold sex. Now _that_ was a double whammy.

Call us sisters from different misters.

Corny, I know, but true.

"So do you want to come over tonight for dinner? I'm thinking about making tacos," Rosalie said as she inspected a package of ground turkey.

Crap. I had been hoping to avoid this conversation. I could deal with Alice knowing about my deal with Edward, but once Rosalie got wind of this…all hell would break loose.

The difference between the two was the difference between theory and practice. Alice could discuss the faux relationship with Edward in theory and dissect it into a million different variables with spreadsheets and color-coded charts for them all, while Rosalie would have just one objective: making it truly happen. The unfortunate part in this was that _it_ – Edward and I, that is – could never really happen and Rosalie would undoubtedly fail to realize that until it was too late.

Not that it would stop her anyway. She was, if anything, ridiculously tenacious.

I grimaced slightly as I swiveled around and tried to interest myself in a package of burgers. "Uh…I can't."

"How come?" Rose asked without looking up.

"I'm kind of having dinner with…Edward," I mumbled as I twirled the package in my hand.

Rosalie froze. "Edward?"

Ooh, look. Kielbasa.

I ignored her piercing stare and grabbed the package of sausages. Rosalie cleared her throat. "You're having dinner with Edward?"

"Uh, yeah," I nodded slowly, busying myself with reading the nutrition facts.

Holy cholesterol, Batman…

"Alone?'

"Yes." I felt my face turning red. I glanced up when I heard Rosalie make a strangling sound.

"Let me get this straight, Bella. You're going on a date with _Edward Cullen_ and we're standing here in the butcher aisle of the grocery store?" Rose asked incredulously. She threw her turkey meat back into the freezer. "Screw tacos, we're getting you home and dressed up!" She shoved me out of the way and started wheeling the cart quickly towards the registers.

"It's not a date," I protested as I ran to keep up with Speedy Gonzales. "I'm just doing him a favor. It's kind of a long story."

"You can tell me in the car," Rosalie stated, casting an eye towards the package of Kielbasa still in my hand. "Put that sausage down, Bella. Let's get you the _real_ deal."

Yep. All hell had broken loose.

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An hour later, I was showered and awaiting further instructions from Rosalie. She had pushed me into the bathroom as soon as we got home and ordered me to strip and shower while she picked out my outfit.

Only an idiot would try to argue with an eight month pregnant woman.

"Here. Wear this," she said, shoving a few items into my unwilling arms.

I dropped the tangle of clothes onto my bed. I liberated an article from the mess and shook my head vehemently. "No. No way, Rose."

Hmm. Apparently I was _that_ idiot.

Rosalie's blue eyes shot daggers at me. Her nostrils flared, and her slightly bloated fingers clenched into fists. Her large belly pointed menacingly in my direction. She was beautiful and frightening rolled up into one giant hormonal mess.

If I had balls, they would have withered away into nothing but dust and lost dreams.

Wordlessly, I turned back to the offending item. I picked up the skirt with two fingers and gave Rosalie my best sad puppy eyes.

Rose smirked. "Give it up, Bella. Your brother patented that look, and if I can deny him, I can deny you."

"Apparently you can't deny him everything," I muttered as I shot her stomach a pointed look. Rosalie rolled her eyes at me as I stepped into the skirt. "Why the hell am I getting so dressed up, Rose? I told you this isn't a date."

"If you're going to act the part, you're going to do it thoroughly," Rosalie stated, handing me a small tank top.

My eyes bugged out slightly as I touched the flimsy material. "Just how _thoroughly_ do you expect me to play this part?"

The glint in Rosalie's eyes spoke louder than anything she could have said.

I gulped and silently obeyed.

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The doorbell rang about an hour later, making me jump as Rosalie put the finishing touches on my hair. I swiveled around and stared at her unblinkingly. With a grin, she nudged me towards the door. I stood up shakily and walked into the hallway, teetering slightly on the heels Rosalie had forced me to wear.

Maybe it was ridiculous, but my heart was beating wildly and my palms were sweating.

It was like my body was convincing itself that this really was a date.

Traitorous flesh.

I tugged on the sleeves of my cardigan and shifted my weight. The bell rang again and I took a deep breath and opened the door slowly.

"Hello, gorgeous!" Two large arms reached out and pulled me into a giant bear hug.

"What the hell?" I growled. Emmett smiled widely at me and plastered a wet kiss onto my forehead. I pulled away and stared at him and Jasper. "Why are you here?

"With a warm welcome like that, how could we stay away?" Emmett said jovially as he walked past me and plopped down on my couch.

Jasper laughed at the face I made when I wiped the saliva off my forehead. "Hey Bella. We're picking up Rose," he said, reaching out to tousle my hair.

I let out an uncharacteristic squeal and wiggled away from him. "Don't you dare! Rosalie will kill you!"

"Why am I killing Edward?" Rosalie's voice called out from my room. Emmett let out a loud laugh at the mention of Edward's name.

I narrowed my eyes at him in warning. "It's not Edward. It's the brothers," I glumly called back towards my room.

"Why's Edward coming here?" Jasper asked, making himself comfortable on my loveseat. He stared at me confusingly through his shaggy blonde hair. "And why are you dressed like that?"

Emmett clutched his heart. "Aww, Squirt! You didn't have to get so dressed up for us!"

I scowled and tugged on my sleeves self-consciously. "We're going to dinner."

Jasper blinked. "Just the two of you?"

I rolled my eyes. How many times could I possibly answer that question?

I was saved by Rosalie shuffling into the living room. "It took you long enough to get here, Emmett," Rosalie grumbled. She sat next to him and grudgingly accepted a kiss. That kiss turned into a longer one, which was followed by another and then another.

Jasper and I shot each other a look. He cleared his throat. "Bella and I really don't care to see our siblings making out."

I snorted at his diplomatic approach. Jasper always had a way of being the peacekeeper. "I think they're past making out. They're about to make another baby in front of us. I'm going to get the hose out."

Rosalie huffed at me while Emmett smiled like a fool. She turned back to him and smacked his chest lightly. "Where were you?"

"Sorry, Rosie. I had to make a pitstop," Emmett said with a smirk, as he patted one of his coat pockets.

I was about to ask him what he had in his coat when the doorbell rang again. I glared at my family. "I swear, if this is Alice, I'm going to kill you all. No jury would convict me right now."

I swung the door open again with a frown on my face.

Oh, dear sweet Jesus.

Edward was at my door with that crooked smile on his face. He was leaning casually against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets and his feet crossed at the ankles. His bronze hair was being whipped around by the light wind and I could almost taste the cinnamon scent that was coming off it.

How could someone look so damn perfect in a pair of khakis and a blue dress shirt?

For a wild second, I considered slamming the door in his face and hiding in the bathroom.

"Hello," he murmured, his velvet voice caressing my ears.

I blinked stupidly at him.

Seriously, it was like I was trying to convey a message through eyelash Morse code.

Edward's grin widened at my blatant fawning.

I snapped back to reality. "Uh, hi. Hello," I looked away from his mesmerizing face and gestured behind me. "Wanna come in?"

"Sure," Edward smiled, stepping towards me. I found myself smiling back at him unconsciously.

"Edward!" Emmett's booming voice called out from the living room.

Uh-oh. Big brother alert.

I put a hand out to stop Edward from moving. His hard chest collided with my hand.

Who knew that flipping burgers gave you such a muscular chest?

Break me off a piece of that!

I smiled weakly, hoping I didn't have any slobber on my chin to betray me. "On the other hand, how about I just come out?"

Our eyes locked and I became very aware that my hand was still on his chest. I shifted my eyes and pulled my hand away. Edward's brow furrowed, but before he could speak, Emmett yelled out again. "Come on in, Edward!"

Edward shrugged at me and walked into my living room. I gave Emmett an evil look as Edward greeted everyone. My brother looked back at me innocently.

I knew better than to trust that look on Emmett's face. That was the same look he gave me when he told me my Barbies' heads had fallen off by themselves and it happened to all girls eventually. I went around for two weeks with a scarf tied around my head like a little babushka before my dad tipped me off. There was no trusting that look ever again.

"So, what's everyone up to?" Edward asked, sitting on the arm of my couch. I stood behind him silently pleading Emmett to play nice.

"Just talking about how you're dating my little sister," Emmett said slyly as he put his arms behind his head and waggled his eyebrows at me.

Clearly, I was asking for too much.

The last thing I needed was for Edward to think I'd gone around telling people that we were going on a real date. Like I needed to live that down for the next five years.

"It's not a date!" Edward and I protested simultaneously. I crossed my arms as he turned to look at me with a perturbed expression on his face. I frowned back at him. He turned away with a shake of his head.

Well, geez. It's not like a real date with me would be _that_ horrible, right? No need to get so damn pissy about it.

Rosalie chose that moment to pipe in. "Don't you think Bella looks beautiful, Edward?"

I considered giving Rose the finger, but decided it was safer to just shoot her a glare over Edward's head. She smiled sweetly at me when he turned to look at me once more.

Edward's green eyes glided over my black and white patterned skirt and up towards the frilly little white top Rosalie had persuaded me to wear. I tugged awkwardly on my black cardigan sleeves as he continued to examine me. I could feel my face flushing as he took in my glossy lips and blow-dried hair. He finally cast a quick look into my eyes and then swiftly turned back to Rose.

"She looks…different," he said in a low voice.

Ouch.

Different? That's like saying someone is "special" when you really mean that they ride the short bus to school.

Jasper quickly looked at me to see my reaction. I ignored his pitying stare and silently stared at the back of Edward's head for a couple seconds before closing my eyes.

Why the hell was I torturing myself by agreeing to do this with him? It seemed like every time I put myself out there, all I got was pain and rejection. It wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it.

But damn if I was going to let him see how his words cut me.

I reopened my eyes and plastered a smirk on my face. My voice dripping with sarcasm, I said, "No need to try to charm me out of my pants tonight, Eddie."

Edward swiveled his neck around and met my eyes with a glint in his own. "I wouldn't dream of it, sweetheart." He looked down at my bare legs and then shot me a crooked grin. "It's be too easy. My work's already half done."

Emmett let out a bellow which was followed shortly by Rosalie's giggles. Jasper, ever the sensitive guy, tried to hold in his laugh, but after a few seconds, let it out with a roar. I rolled my eyes at my so-called family and stared defiantly at Edward. I ignored the red in my cheeks and the weakness in my legs as he stared back at me with that grin.

"Move it, Cullen. Let's go," I muttered as I walked towards the hall closet for my coat.

"Not so fast, little sister. I'd like to talk to Edward for a minute," Emmett said firmly.

"No, that's okay," I said quickly, as I stopped in my tracks.

"It's alright, Bella," Edward protested.

To be young and naive like him.

I sighed. No good could come of this. Emmett looked at Edward calculatingly. "So, Edward, what are your intentions with my sister?"

Edward laughed at Emmett's question, but his laughter died off when Emmett didn't crack a smile. Edward frowned and shook his head. "Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious, dude," Emmett crossed his arms, flexing his huge muscles in the process. I saw Edward's eyes float down to his arms and then back to his eyes. "So. Once more. What are your intentions with my sister?"

Oh, hell no…

I sputtered, but Jasper chimed in quickly before I could protest. "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Do you own or lease a car?" Emmett asked with a sparkle in his eyes.

Damn that sparkle!

The questions shot out one after the other before I could quiet the guys down.

"Do you have your own place?"

"Do you have a retirement plan?"

"Any health-care? Dental?"

"How do you feel about marriage?"

"How do you feel about mini-vans?"

"How do you feel about kids?"

"Do you _have_ any kids?"

"Do you want to _avoid_ kids?" Emmett finally cracked a smile as he put his hand on the bulge in his coat pocket. "Don't worry, I've got you covered, buddy," Emmett paused and thought about what he said. "Literally, I guess," he winked at Edward, who looked back at him warily.

I smacked my hand loudly against the back of the couch before he could pull out the condoms. "Christ, guys! Cut it out!" I put my hands on my hips and glowered at Emmett and Jasper. They stared back at me with giant grins on their faces. I turned to Edward who was raking his hand through his hair repeatedly. He looked at me uncomfortably. I couldn't even blame him. My brothers had just tried to pawn me off on him. As if there was anything worse than having someone pushed on you when you weren't interested. "Let's go before these assholes shine a light on us and read us our rights."

"Sounds good to me," Edward breathed out in relief. I looked away disappointedly.

Thanks, brother dearest. You just had to make it more obvious that he wasn't interested.

Emmett leapt up from the couch as I went by to grab my coat. "Hey, we're just looking out for you, Bells!"

"Right," I muttered as I angrily shoved my arms into my sleeves.

"It was just a joke, Bella," Jasper said, still grinning.

Freakin' ha-ha, guys.

I kissed Rosalie on the cheek and ignored my brother and Jasper as I stalked back towards the door. Edward stood there awkwardly. He reached out and opened the door for me.

"Wait, Bella!" Emmett called out as Edward started to shut the door.

"What now?" I grumbled, as the door swung open.

A bright flash went off and blinded us.

That mother…

I blinked furiously to clear my eyes of the bright stars floating around. Emmett was standing a few feet behind us holding up a disposable camera.

"Kodak moment," he laughed. "You'll thank me later."

"Thank you? I'm going to –" I shouted, but was cut off by the slamming of my door. I gasped. "I just got my own door slammed in my face," I said angrily, gesturing wildly at the door. "That's my door. In my face!" I shouted. I shoved my hands into my pockets in a huff, and felt a cardboard box lodged deep in the left one. I pulled it out quickly and groaned.

Condoms.

"And condoms. There's a box of condoms in my pocket," I shook the box angrily at Edward.

"Your observation skills astound me," he said dryly.

I turned towards him, ready to throttle him for bringing this all unto me, when I saw his lips twitching. I frowned at him, amazed that he found this situation amusing. Instinctively, I chucked the box at him, and he deftly caught it in one hand.

He raised his eyebrows and nodded his approval. "Good brand," he said flatly before tossing them back at me.

I rolled my eyes and pelted him with the box again.

Edward continued to look at me, his smile stretching upwards slowly as he tossed them gently back to me. In spite of myself, I felt my lips slowly turning up. I quickly threw the offending item back to him. I fought the smile that was threatening to break out on my face, but the sight of Edward's bright grin was too much for me.

I gave up.

I let out a small snicker as I caught the condoms again.

Edward and I stared at each other, giggling like little kids. I could picture what we looked like, two adults laughing like idiots on the front porch while playing hot potato with a box of condoms. As if my neighbors needed any more reasons to think I was odd.

When our laughter had died away, we stayed in place on my porch. Edward's green eyes held my gaze as I brushed a few strands of hair away from my face.

"That probably wasn't Emmett's intended form of entertainment when he got us these," Edward grinned.

I laughed and shook my head. "Probably not, and he's got a very vivid imagination." Edward let out a loud laugh at this and I was distracted by how beautiful he looked when he was happy.

Too bad it wasn't more often, and it wasn't around me.

I felt warmth spreading in my cheeks and chest as Edward continued to look down at me, a small smile on his lips. The butterflies returned to my stomach and started flying around, wreaking havoc with my insides. I bit my lip as I stared back at his warm, green eyes. His hair was being ruffled by the wind, and I fought the urge to push a strand back from his face.

Edward's eyes flickered down to my lips and then back up. His expression cleared quickly. With a small nod, he backed away from the door. "We should go," he said softly.

I nodded slowly and followed him wordlessly to his car.

The gravity of the situation returned to me when he opened the passenger side door for me.

That was a date move, right?

No. Hold on. He always did that. He was just one of those ridiculously courteous men that your grandmother would love.

I fixed my eyes on his lean form as he crossed the car to the driver's side. As he sat down, I noticed he was wearing black shoes.

Shoes? Not sneakers? Was that what a guy wears on a date?

I flipped my head to the side and stared out the window as Edward pulled the car out of my driveway.

Good God.

My mind was actually deluding itself into thinking I was going on a real date with Edward Cullen.

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A/N #2 - So I hope you guys like this chapter. I know there wasn't a lot of the usual Bella and Edward banter, but I thought it was necessary to get to know the rest of the characters and see how they interact. The next one will be the (cue the dramatic music) "date" between Edward and Bella. Like it? Hate it? Please review and let me know!


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